Lonely Man Chronicles: Disappointed

by admin on July 6, 2011

Lonely Man Chronicles

Disappointed

Thank you God for not answering my prayers last night, again. All I asked was that you don’t allow me to wake up and what did you do? That’s right; you had me wake up once again to another dull, lifeless day on this earth. Why in the world would you do this to me? What was accomplished by keeping me alive yet another day to be berated and scorned by others? What harm would it have done to let me simply pass away in my sleep, never to bother anyone or be hurt again? I’ve heard that you have a sick sense of humor, but really? It’s bad enough that I constantly disappoint myself but I’m sincerely tired of doing the same to others as well. Why you choose to have me carry on is beyond me.

Disappointed…

For not taking better care of myself in my youth. I used to think that I could walk through walls. Nothing short of a Sherman tank could have stopped me in my pace. I would literally run everywhere I went, not caring about solid obstacles in front of me. I would just hurdle them, landing upside right on my feet then speeding back at an ever quicker pace to make up for the air time. I would fly down stairwells, grabbing the railings and swinging my feet forward, landing at the bottom with a hushed thud. I fashioned myself after Superman, and literally thought I could leap tall buildings in a single bound sans the cape.

How wrong I was.

Now as I approach middle-age, all that running, jumping and unnecessary stress on my joints has come back to bite me in the ass. Hard. I can barely work for more than a few hours on my feet before an ungodly pain begins to circulate around my knees, causing me to slow down the pace at which I am working, and in the restaurant business, this is not a good thing. You are paid to be fast yet efficient, not for being slow and carrying around a grimace of pain on your face for guest to see. I’ve tried everything from aspirin to new shoes and still nothing works. I’ve been reduced down to wearing a knee brace, sometimes one on each leg just to work without excruciating pain. My future tenure in the hospitality industry is looking rather bleak to say the least, at least in the server capacity. Presently at twenty pounds overweight, I am far from happy with my physical appearance.

Disappointed…

In my love life, such as it is. Never in a relationship longer than a few months at best, never a date on the few days I am actually off from work, never having anyone to accompany me through this great city. It’s been this way all of my life really. I’ve never felt wanted, needed. I remember being in high school and watching all the other boys hold hands and kiss the girls they were dating. They would walk side by side, arms around each other; sometimes the guy would hitch his thumb into the girl’s back pocket, pulling her even closer as they would walk through the school’s hallways or through crowds at Friday night football games. I remembered always being jealous and staring at them in sadness, knowing deep down inside that I would never have a significant other. I would stare at them and cry inside, my heart bleeding slowly.

Once I discovered alcohol and its many numbing affects (not to mention the lost of any inhibitions I may harbored), I frequented bars and pubs in hope of finding someone, anyone but to no avail. Sure I found women, what bar would be complete without them but they were all damaged goods; each one more mentally damaged than the last from their prior disastrous relationships. But any port in a storm so consequently I continued dating them until they sucked my already love-famished heart dry, leaving me the emotionally drained person I am today. I can’t totally blame them as I too have had my share of horrific relationships that left me jaded. The only difference is I didn’t wear my hurt on my sleeve for others to exploit or notice. This has both been my gift and curse not being able to express my feelings for another, to let them know truly how I feel about them.

Now alone, broken and feeble I regret every person I have dated, every woman I have ever hurt and every woman whose heart I have broken. To you all I send my most heartfelt apologies. I hope I haven’t turned you off to men. I hope you have moved on and are in positive, nourishing, loving, intimate relations now. I’m sorry I was not the man you wanted me to be, needed me to be. In the silence of my lonely room, I pray for your forgiveness.

Disappointed…

In my lack of a formal education and for not taking it seriously when I was attending school. I am scholastically challenged. I’ll never know what it feels like to truly understand a piece of literature or engross myself in a deep conversation with other people. Most of what I carry with me was learned from television and really bad movies. I just repeat them and come off sounding halfway intelligent. If only people knew how I cringe inside every time they talk to me and the conversation becomes deeper. I’m always afraid they will find out that it is all smoke and mirrors. I usually walk away once it goes there, leaving before I say something too embarrassing and wound up looking stupid. Sometimes I astound myself with the amount of bullshit that leaves my mouth. It’s almost shameful.

On that note, my speech patterns and tone are pathetic. I speak as though I have a mouth full of marbles with everything coming out jumbled and not annunciated. Again, a product of non-compliance with speech classes during high school and imitating what I hear. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t have to repeat the words that leave my mouth because NOBODY understands what I say the first time I speak. Such a shame because every now and then, I have something worth listening to…

Disappointed…

As my window of opportunity for advancement rapidly shrinks in the career path that I have chosen unwisely. I am being replaced by younger, cuter, more intelligent, fairer skinned individuals who don’t have a quarter of my work ethic or skills yet look phenomenal in the public’s eye, thus attracting more clientele than I ever could. It is humiliating to have to work next to people who have not had to climb the same rungs as yourself. No, they go straight to the head of the class and beyond as I have become grounded and all but antiquated. Soon, very soon I will be obsolete; not needed or wanted. Strange how I never saw this coming, then again, do we ever?

All I have left in this world is my faith in God and at times, that too wanes. I pray often. I pray for strength to carry on each and every day. I pray for protection from my enemies and safe keeping for my family and friends. I pray that God keeps me in his graces and if I should fall, that he will be there for me to help me back up. He hasn’t let me down yet nor will he ever.

This brings me back to my questioning Him having me go on. I don’t see the purpose or significance. Please help me to understand “the bigger picture”. Please show me my purpose in life because I cannot go on like this for much longer. My strength falters.

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