Women/Dating: Looking For Mrs. McCant Amongst the Guppies of the Jaded Sea

by admin on January 24, 2013


Looking For Mrs. McCant Amongst the Guppies of the Jaded Sea

This is going to offend so if you are a woman and if any of this applies to you, I’m sorry. I’m sure we all have our opinions about anything and everything, be they right or wrong. This one happens to be mine.

I didn’t start officially dating until I was sixteen. Late by today’s standards and a little late back then as well. I used to be envious of all the other boys who would walk around with their girlfriends holding hands and sneaking kisses in between classes when the teachers weren’t looking in the hallways. When I did start to date and have a young lady on my arm, it was thrilling, exciting getting to know someone who like myself, was open-minded and optimistic about what we could offer one another along the lines of friendship and pleasure. I lived for the company of the one I was with, cherishing each moment as if it was our last. Talking on the telephone for hours at a time about everything and nothing, not necessarily talking the entire time, just listening to each other breathe sometimes was enough. We would have those cute little fights about who was going to hang up first. You remember those, don’t you? “You go first!” “No, you!” “You!” Ah, how I long for that innocence… Alas, those days are long gone, never to grace my life with their presence again.

Now in my autumn of years, the thrill of meeting someone has all but died off. Why you ask? Simple: I keep meeting women in flux. What I mean is the women that I meet all have been damaged, jaded or still have intense feelings for the last person who they were with and cannot possibly commit to someone new despite what they think; the last being particularly true of single mothers who still talk constantly about their ex. Nothing says “I’m not over you” more than bringing them up constantly as a main topic of conversation with the one you are currently with. I know that the older that one gets the more skeletons in their closet (particularly when you’re in your forties like yours truly), but damn, don’t bring out the entire cemetery on a brotha! I am not your counselor or am I qualified to help fight through your troubled past relationship problems so ladies, please, if you come across me and are halfway interested in getting to know me, please for the love of God leave your excess baggage at the airport. A purse or travel bag’s worth of drama is all I can handle at this time in my life, please and thank you.

Lord knows I have my own problems in the past with relationships (or as of late, a lack thereof) and with women and general but I try to leave those things behind when entering into a new union especially if I want to not die a miserable old man who writes terrible pieces of literature. Because of my knack of finding crushed women and becoming the “rebound guy” 75% of the time, I had to set some rules/parameters in order to stop the vicious cycle of hurt, rejection and all around waste of my time. These may solidify my single status for the rest of my life but if that means piece of mind, then so be it.

In no particular order…

1.)    If You Think That All Men Are Shit, Do Not Apply Within

I get it, I really do. I too have been hurt before in the past and for a moment I might think that I hate all women but I look at the bitch that did it to me and realize that it is just her and no one else to blame. Bottom line is I keep the blame on her and not on a whole gender. Food for thought or for some of you, an entire pantry. Not all men are the same; we’re not all out to take advantage of you or hurt you and when you’re alone watching the Oprah channel or Lifetime, eating your neighbor’s daughters Girl Scout cookies, wrapped in your favorite blanket, you’ll have no one to blame for your loneliness but yourself and your preconceived notions of the male species. The remote is right under your fat ass where you left it, Sweetie.


2.)    If You Are On Any Prescribed Anti Depression Medication or Consider Yourself Depressed, Keep It Moving


Fact: I too have felt depressed and sought out help through counseling or therapy (“Come on, Doc! Break me off some of that good shit!”) and nothing really helped. I was told that I need to find strength in myself or some other quack remedy which I totally ignored. One thing that I did actually listen to was that you will NEVER find happiness in someone else unless YOU are happy. So why is it that the most emotionally fucked up, drug -addled women always cross my path? They come with alcoholism, prescribed uppers (or for a select few, downers), flagrant illegal drug use, a pack of smokes a day…you name it. And what does my dumb ass do? Try to see past all of it but by the second or third week in, I’ve discovered I’m only an enabler, only making it hard on myself having to deal with their rollercoaster ride of emotions and constant drama. So if you’re crazy or just plain fucking psycho and you know it, keep it moving. I don’t want to be yet another “asshole” on your already growing lists while you remain perfect. Crazy bitch, keep it moving, psycho.


3.)    If You Have Kids And You Are Out At Two In The Morning Instead Of Home With Them, Adios


“The bar” is not going anywhere but your kids will be. They’ll be growing up without you, prone to make the same stupid mistakes as you did when you were their age (i.e. drugs, unwanted pregnancies, arrests, etc.). They will remember mom not being there or coming home late while they were sleeping, only to wake up looking like she crawled out from under a rock with an attitude to match. All for alcohol and the possibility of a sexual partner be they old or new. Not a good look. Secondly, I don’t want to be that guy who keeps mom out and always has her upset. It’s not my fault! Tell mom to keep her happy-go-lucky ass at home and be an adult. Been there, done that with these model “moms” and it sucks ass. If you’re looking for drama, date a woman with children who still live at home and you can produce your own soap opera for an Emmy this year.

I don’t know; maybe it’s me. I could very well be looking in all the wrong places. I’m not perfect by no stretch of the imagination and my standards have dropped significantly since I turned 40 (if you have a pulse, all your fingers and at least nine of your ten toes, I’m yours) but I still believe in love and want to be in it before I die at least one more time if not forever. So Mrs. McCant, if you’re out there (and you know that you are!) I’m waiting, half past eternity at the end of all time.


Waiting for something to snag my line before the tide rolls in,


Gregory E. McCant





{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

kenya allen 02.03.13 at 7:22 am

be more into who you are then she will come to you . not the other way around.

Corey 07.17.13 at 5:00 pm

Nice I really like this one… 🙂

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